The Walmart Incident

While departing from Walmart today, as I was strolling back to my vehicular transport, something in the parking lot caught my eye.  The spectacle before me was so horrific I could not help but to stare. As I glanced to the right I could see a black lady in her mid to late 30's loading up a van. As she turned around to stow away her final load, the woman's jacket lifted up only to reveal half an ass peeking over her war-torn grey sweats. If this wasn't bad enough, a split second later I heard the faint sound of copper against blacktop.  She must have dropped some change, because no quicker than you can say "McDonald's Extra Value Meal", she was bending over. This treacherous act consequently caused her beastly britches to slide downward about 4 more unforgivable inches. Somewhere around this point you could timestamp me for the involuntarily uttering of the word "SHIT!" At least I think I said it, or it may have just been what I was thinking, but by this point things got a bit hazy and what I saw next was nothing short of sacrilegious.  Now bent over, exposed at a "non-work safe", 3 to 1 ass to pants ratio, she began to rise to her feet like a veritable trailer park phoenix in all her socioeconomic glory. Right before she reached the full upright position I could see a small piece of toilet paper still hanging from between her massively pimple-laden cheeks. At this point I'm pretty sure I blacked out. The last thing I can recall beyond that, was driving home and noticing that the radio was playing "The Thong Song" from the shitty factory speakers in my Toyota, and me throwing up in my mouth. I think I need to go lay down.

--BK